So Chic, Very Chic: A Real Jersey Beatdown

Has anyone ever been in a fight?

I’m not talking about a straight couple’s fight outside the bar during Pride month or my fight with the Apple Music autoplay algorithm, which exclusively serves me Dua Lipa’s “New Rules.” (Shoutout to her residuals, though. I hope they pay for another yacht vacation, girl!) I’m talking about the type of fight where faces hit the pavement, where blood pools around t-shirt necklines, with bruises and pulled hair and fists and claws and battle cries like, “Get her, Jade!”

My first was with a kid named Trevor. He called me a faggot, and I jumped him on the blacktop at lunch in the third grade. Then there was the brawl during eighth grade in the 7 Eleven parking lot after a slumber party turned sour over "Super Smash Bros Melee." Of course, the catfight with a very hot man’s so-called girlfriend at Pride in 2014 in my velvet American Apparel skater dress deserves an honorable mention, Charli and Iggy’s “Fancy” spinning from the DJ booth while my friends dragged me away from the debacle.

The most memorable to date was after school freshman year, when some jocks jumped me and my gay friends in the locker room before track practice on that hate crime wave. Matt slammed my face into the tile, and I punched him in the dick hard enough to halt his bloodline while I watched my bestie grab David by the throat. Jocks beat out the twinks, as it were, but I hope Matt remembers the feeling of his balls springing into his throat like those carnival games with the hammer and a man with a girlfriend to impress.

Everybody say hi to Matt! I’m ready for round two whenever. While we wait, why don’t we jump into the brawl that broke out on the Real Housewives of New Jersey this week?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Teresa Giudice

This woman’s hair has utterly evolved this season, growing and expanding with each new episode like it’s literally full of secrets and lies. The half braids only add to how comically pronounced her mane is. She’s like those girls who drop out of college their sophomore year to do Ayurvedic retreats in Bali and come back completely changed, often worse people —Rebecca, but she goes by Krystal now.

Jen Fessler

New Jen Fessler confessional just dropped! If Teresa is busy in Bali, Jen here looks like the type of woman who is recently single at 50 and addicted to free beach concerts stuffed with The B-52s cover bands and men in white pants. She and the girls pregame at the seafood haunt called "The Crow’s Nest" beforehand, and Jen gets a bit too twisted on skinny margaritas. Later, on the beach, she can be seen solo by the stage, cork wedges held high in one hand while she holds her drink in the other, “yoo-hoo”-ing men with wives and screaming the lyrics to a Dave Matthews Band song.

Danielle Cabral

The theme of this party was "Tulum," so Danielle dressed like one of the women held captive in Mad Max: Fury Road. She’s built a new life after being freed from that weird man running a boutique fashion label that sells artisanal rag clothing made from discarded bed linens and junkyard trash. In a society without money, she scrapes together a living trading her wares in open-air markets alongside scrap dealers and mercenaries, until she meets a very nice man with a bunker commune in the ruins of Melbourne. He promises to give her a new life, and they make it halfway before she robs him blind and rides off into the sunset with his car and belongings. She’d already lived under the thumb of one man. Now, she calls the shots on life.

Jennifer Aydin and Jennifer Fessler

I don’t have much to say here except here except the contrast of Aydin’s attire with Fessler’s plain garb and cucumber water is delightful. This shot was captured before Aydin put her hands on Danielle and got a fist upside the head as a present. If there’s any outfit to get one’s ass beat in, it's this one, because at least she looked a bit glamorous while picking out the shards of glass from her hair.

The Real Housewives of Dubai

Chanel Ayan

Chanel had another big week out on the town. Here she is in a bob, a blazer and leather, decked out in embellishments and rhinestones and sequins and silver. As ostentatious as this jacket reads on camera in the 100 degree Dubai heat, she manages to make the look seem understated. A perfect med spa fit for a casual day out.

Later, at dinner on the waterfront, she remixed Breakfast at Tiffany’s in a big way. Everything about this is patently ridiculous and absolutely pushes the limits of what can and will be captured on Bravo cameras. The crown is perhaps my least favorite part, as the clash of its colorway with the warmer pearls throws me off. Not that she’s taking notes from me, of course, but it bears mentioning. Side note: The full look is as absurd as the seated silhouette, with the addition of an ostentatious bow that swallows her frame.

Caroline Brooks

I ordered Chanel’s look on Shein, and this came in the mail. Apologies to Caroline, but the editors did her dirty when they let this lady strut down to dinner in slow motion like she was about to turn the party. She’s beautiful, of course, and looks better than I would in this, but come on! Chanel is a bar, and everyone is whacking their heads on it.

Lesa Milan

Would it shock anyone to learn Lesa wore this to the med spa with Chanel? They made for quite the pair — her in Barbiecore and Chanel dressed like a pop diva on her 50th anniversary reunion. The contrast was hilarious and totally emblematic of their dynamic.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/ NBCUniversal Media, LLC